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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in Creative Swearing's LiveJournal:

Thursday, April 21st, 2005
2:27 pm
Intro to Swearing: Part IV
A subject only lightly touched on until now is the specific targeting of swears. Not just any swear will do for any given situation; sometimes it is necessary to customize profanity in order to give it the right personal edge it needs to achieve perfect clarity.

For instance, assume I were to arrive home to find my roommate eating the last of the Pop Tarts. Immediately I shout, "You corn-fucking ass-bagger!"

Effective, no doubt. But perhaps there are other people in the room? Maybe he thinks I'm on the phone, or yelling to someone outside? Or simply voicing frustration with this, our oft-times confusing modern world? Clearly, steps must be taken to ensure that he is aware of his newfound status as a corn-fucking ass-bagger. The inclusion of a simple, descriptive modifier will provide this awareness. As such, I alter the swear, to be delivered as, "You sweet-stealing corn-fucking ass-bagger!"

Aha. Now the target is hoisted by his own petard, identified as the insulted party by the very act of sweet-stealing which he has committed.

Surely, however, there is a way in which we can enhance the insulting nature of the epithet. Perhaps my roommate takes no offense in the knowledge that he has stolen my Pop Tarts. Fully 33% of the swear is rendered ineffective by the amorality of the subject.

Fortunately, the majority of targets will possess identifiable characteristics which will aid you in your customizing process. For instance, assume (for the sake of argument) that my roommate possesses many physical attributes similar to those of a hedgehog. I might adapt the swear to be delivered as "You spiny-furred, corn-fucking ass-bagger!" Now the swear has taken on a personal quality which adds to the level of insult, rather than detracting from it!

As a daily exercise, try to notice the flaws and weaknesses in the personalities and appearances of those around you. Chances are you will find a modifier which will work for most any situation.
Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
11:29 am
Intro to Swearing: Part III
Today we discuss the process of crafting specific swear fragments. We've talked in previous sections about the importance of the basic two-part swear fragment as part of a larger, over-arching expletive. But what exactly makes a good swear fragment?

I find that the best fragments involve words that, when taken out of context, raise non-profane associations in the listener's mind, even if only on a subconscious level. Allow your obscenity to worm its way into your opponent's mind under false-pretense, where the full effect can be felt.

As an exercise, try to find alternate definitions for some of your favorite two-part swear fragments. Don't work at it too hard, though... if you have to stretch the credibility of the definition to fit the swear, then you're on the wrong track.

Some examples:

Shit-cock: a kind of gaming bird, similar to a pheasant
Bone-hole: part of a sailboat; a component of the mast
Ass-hopper: a strange hybrid donkey/insect
Pole-floater: a nautical marker

Now we just need to throw some old standards into the mix, such as, "You fucking bone-hole ass-hopping shit-cock bitch pole-floater", and we've created a swear that has layers of complexity which extend far beyond the sum of its component words. At advanced levels, the crafter of the swear might even attempt to create a linear sub-layer of insult beneath the surface, by combining alternate definitions in an order which creates a secondary jab... an extra level of barbs with which to harm the subject of the swear.
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
9:00 am
Intro to Swearing: Part II
Today, I'd like to talk a little bit about the filthy tirade. While yesterday's lesson revolved mainly around the idea of insulting a direct target, the filthy tirade is an unfocused expression of rage, with no real destination in mind.

The filthy tirade can best be described as a verbal onslaught of profanity. Imagine a star going super-nova... except that instead of the fusion reaction between various gases, the energy in the filthy tirade comes from rage, traveling through the medium of dirty language. The form it takes is entirely up to you... just try to keep a handy base level of swear words on your mind at all times, and the filthy tirade will practically write itself.

The length of the filthy tirade is directly proportional to the level of rage involved. For instance, if I were to stub my toe, my filthy tirade could be as short as "OH... FUCK SUCK-ASS SHIT-COCK!"

However, if the rage were to be exacerbated by something more intensely significant, the length of the tirade would increase. For instance, failure related to an enterprise in which you are emotionally invested (for instance, running a marathon, or applying for a grant,) could raise the tirade length as far as "GOD-DAMN MOTHER-FUCKING SHIT-ASS COCK-HOLE BITCH-FUCKING SHIT!"

Finally, imagine you were to come home one day to discover your significant other in bed with your best friend and your dog. In these circumstances, your rage would be understandably high. In this case, your filthy tirade would call for a length of no shorter than, "FUCKING CUNT-ASS BITCH-KNOCKER CUM-JUNKIE ASS-TOTEM CORN-FUCKING DICK-BALL CHODE-FUCKER!" (Although in these specific circumstances, should they arise, you might want to consider completing the tirade by slumping back against a wall, shedding a single tear, and crying, "man's best friend, indeed.")

Here is a handy list of available swear prefixes and suffixes to study. Try to mix and match, and make each combination a part of your daily vocabulary. When the time comes for a filthy tirade, you'll find that all the tools required are already at your finger tips.

Prefixes Suffixes
Mother- fucking
Dog- raping
Boy- reaming
Ass- ball
Shit- bag
Hole- fucker
Cock- shit
Dick- ass
Clit- sucking
Cunt- felching
Rectal- bone
Turd- looting
Pucker- hole
Suck- knocker

While these are by no means a complete list, they should be enough to get you started. When you are engaged in the tirade itself, remember not to over-think it... the key here is for the words to come naturally, shaped by the anger you are trying to express. Find the combination of words you feel most comfortable with, and let them guide you.
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
11:53 am
Intro to Swearing: Part I
I thought I'd kick things off with a brief overview of some of your more basic swearing techniques. Today, I'll deal primarily with quick swears.

Quick swears have two primary and immediate objectives: to tell a person what they are, and what they do. If you find yourself wishing to inform someone that they are something hideous, which performs a vile action, quick swears can be a useful asset.

I find that the majority of quick swears follow the same basic structure. Namley:

(noun-verb) (noun-noun)

For instance, if I wanted to tell someone that they were an unusually obese person, who consumes feces in their leisure time, I would call them a:

Shit-eating fat-ass

Now the subject of my swear is aware of what they are (a fat-ass) and what they do (eat shit). The objectives of the swear have been completed! An unusually introspective person might even thank you for calling attention to these facts, and strive to correct them in the future.

Here are some common quick swears that I've found useful in everyday conversation. Pick some that appeal to you, and try to use them on people you meet today.

Cum-guzzling ass-pole
Piss-bathing tit-zit
Dog-fucking ear-grease
Nun-touching cock-monkey
Pus-licking hole-plugger

Once you've mastered these, try to come up with a few of your own! If you're having trouble coming up with nouns, remember: you can't go wrong with body parts or human secretions.
11:31 am
Welcome... you shit-sucking ass-goblin.
It has come to my attention that the majority of people on this planet do not know how to swear.

Oh sure, we all know the basics. Fuck, shit, cunt, cocksucker, and so forth. But just as, at a certain age, we trade in our fingerpaints for more advanced mediums, the true profanity artiste requires a wider range of tools with which to effectively make their vile point.

It is in the spirit of education that I unveil Creative Swearing, in the hopes that those to whom cussing comes naturally will be able to aid the under-potty-mouthed in their ongoing battle with common decency.

Feel free to pull up a chair, and share with us your favorite swear words or phrases. Alternately, if you find yourself in a situation for which you cannot adequately express your disgust, hatred, or sexual peccadillo, all you have to do is ask, and you will have a torrent of situation-appropriate profanity unleashed upon you.

Either way, welcome to Creative Swearing... where we realize that sometimes the word "fuck" just isn't enough.
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